I'm a lonely fat chick.

I'm house sitting for Andy and Stephanie this week, which means I am living on my own for a week; well, kind of alone. I'm watching their cat Astrid which is pretty cool. She's a nice cat and it's fun to have an animal to take care of again. Hanging out with Astrid has really taught me something about myself. I am lonely.

I laugh when I say it, but it's true. I am not lonely as in I don't have friends, and it's not the kind of lonely where I need a girlfriend either. I guess spending time with an animal is really reminding me of past times with my dog Scottie.

As many of you know, I didn't really have friends when I was a kid. I had the t.v. (FUCK YEAH LITTLEFOOT!!! YOU'RE MY BUDDY RIGHT!!!), my legos/action figures, my grandma, my fighting parents, and last but certainly not least: my dog Scottie. I used to sit under the fake tree in our old house with Scottie, and tell her all my fears and problems. She was always there. I know you are thinking "Jesus, she's a dog! She wasn't listening!" but that's the thing. When I was talking to her and pouring out my heart and soul, I didn't pet her, I didn't even call her over. Scottie knew something was wrong and she would look right at me and listen for hours without any distraction.

Scottie was my best friend and when she died, something inside me died too. I remember that fateful day. My mom came to pick me up from school. Her eyes were red and she looked like something was terribly wrong. I had no idea and the entire car ride was silent. I thought she was mad at me. We get home and my mom brings me down stairs. We talk about my day and then my mom said, "I need to tell you something. Today Scottie had another seizure. We took her to the hospital....you know how hard it is to watch her go through that."

She continued to tell her story but I could no longer hear her. I knew what had happened. Everything became mute, almost as if I were underwater. I felt sick to my stomach. I looked at Scottie's pillow and it was empty. I felt weak and lost control of my body. I interrupted my mother and said, "Is Scottie dead?" I already knew the answer to that question but there was still hope. There was still a light at the end of that tunnel.

My mom started crying and just shook her head. I don't remember much after that. That night, my body just shut down. My best friend, my counselor, my daughter had died and I wasn't even able to say goodbye.

Ever since that day, I have had a void in my life. I have been afraid to get another pet because I didn't want to replace Scottie. But spending time with Astrid has been really great. She's giving me a taste of what having a pet would be like again. I don't think I'll ever have another Scottie, but I'm willing to try and find another friend like that who I live with and share everything with.

So I'm not lonely. I just really miss my old friend. :/